TODAY MY HUSBAND CALLED OUT TO ME from his office to mine: "Was your last blog post on February 14?"
I replied: "Yes."
There was a long silence...
I went on: "Everything I want to blog about is negative, and I don't feel safe writing about it."
His reply: "Why don't you write about how you aren't blogging because everything feels negative?"
Wow. (How'd I get so lucky to marry such a smarty-pants?)
So here's the deal. I don't want to write about the not-so-great parts about graduate school. In 12-step meetings they say: "Carry the message, not the mess." I must have internalized that somewhere along the way.
The husband-guy is on to something, though. If I don't write about how I am feeling, I may find it hard to break through and keep posting about the grad school experience, in general.
I was angry about an experience at school. Because I felt I had no place to appropriately vent the anger, it turned into depression. The truth is: I have been depressed for almost two months. And, try as I might, I just could not shake it off.
Graduate school is tough. I can see the stress on my classmate's furrowed brows. I've listened as others share that they've had to go on meds (anti-anxiety, sleep aids, anti-depressants, etc.). Since one of my blessings and curses is to be an achiever, sometimes it is difficult for me to say, "No," even when it's a good thing--for me, for my family, and for the good of my education.
So, how did I get through it?
I let it go. That's what I did. And, like it most often does, it worked itself out. Don't get me wrong: I've learned some tough lessons about trust and professionalism.
Here's the kernel: Sometimes we get to learn about how we do not want to be.
In the process, I learned a bunch about who I am--and who I want to become--as a social worker, a human being, and as a loving, caring, forgiving woman.
~Ms. T. J.
